Taking My Promised Land

I've been doing this daily scripture reading with some friends of mine. The last few have been about the Israelites, the promised land, and their reluctance to take it because they feared the Canaanites more than they trusted God.

We have talked a lot about our personal reluctance or inability to walk in our promised lands due to doubt and disobedience. And it occurred to me today that I am living in my promised land; or at least part of it. And it is a land flowing with milk and honey but I am living as a captive NOT as one who possesses this land by the grace of God!

See I have two huge character flaws, selfishness and laziness. And the place they do the most damage is my home life. Because of these two traits I am a horrible housekeeper and I am sorely lacking on the motherhood front as well. I adore my son but I am a terrible disciplinarian and don't spend enough QUALITY time with Ben-even though I don't work and am with him almost all the time.

To make matters worse, or my self condemnation deeper, all I have ever wanted in life was to be a wife and mother, and God chose not only to fulfill that dream but even went a step further in blessing me with a husband that works incredibly hard to provide for our family so that I can be a stay at home mom.

My lack of success in these two areas are not a big secret to those who know me well and it's not something I deny, but I don't try hard enough to overcome them either. I'm usually wishing God would just magically transform me overnight or too busy listening to Satan telling me that nothing will ever change and I will never be any different.

Don't get me wrong, I do try to change, try to be better. I constantly read books about these subjects, I love day planners, schedules and to-do lists and use them in an attempt to better manage my time and just BE better at my *job*! And things do change, for a day or two maybe even a week or two but sooner or later the dishes pile back up, the laundry takes over the garage and the TV becomes the baby-sitter. Which leads me to question all too often why God chose me to be a mother when I am so bad at it and yet my older sister-who would make an incredible mom will never have kids of her own? And it makes me wallow in guilt and self pity.

But here's the truth:


THIS "promised land" was promised by and GIVEN to me by my
God, my Father. Might, power and majesty are just a few of HIS character traits!

Like the Israelites, this land is mine for the taking-which means I have to TAKE it. That is going to involve a battle, a fight which will require effort on my part-not just wishing for a magical moment of possession. And a big part of that fight is having the courage & wisdom to walk in the truth that Satan is a punk & a liar!

Though I can't see the big picture and I do sometimes question His choices, ultimately I know that God does not make mistakes; He knew what He was doing when he gave me the privilege of being Steve's wife and Ben's mom-which means I DO have the ability to successfully care for my home and my family

But mostly I have to remember that as God assured the Israelites the He would go before them and fight FOR them, I have to remember that I share that same covenant because I too am His!

God IS my victory and He IS here!

Father forgive me for living as a slave when you paid such a high price to free me. Help me to fight for this land each day knowing its Your power and strength that have already won the victory and I simply have to walk in the places You have provided for me, with the constant knowledge that this is all about You! I can do nothing apart from You and it is You will redeem this mess into a godly mother and homemaker not for my benefit-or even my families sake but for YOUR glory and renown!

The Christmas Legacy

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!

I love everything about it, the trees, the lights, the decorations, the music, the sound of the Salvation Army bell outside the stores, wrapping paper and bows... But most of all I love the beauty of a little baby born so long ago.

But there's all these lights and bows and songs....and GIFTS!! One of my favorite ways to express love and appreciation is giving gifts. I love thinking about what to get people, then shopping for them, then wrapping them in all kinds of decorative paper and bags and then GIVING them! It's one of the best parts of the season to me, and I have been known to go a bit over board. Ben's second Christmas was nothing short of an orgy of gluttony and honestly his birthdays have been that way too.

Last Christmas I decided we needed to take the year off from gifts and focus on the real meaning of Christmas. This year, well a friend told me awhile back that she knew of a family whose kids got 3 gifts only, because that's all Jesus got. I loved it! What a great tie in for smaller kids to help really bring home the Christmas story at a young age! And I determined that those gifts be meaningful and educational and not just more stuff.

Honestly, being on a three gift limit has been A LOT harder than just not buying anything. Christmas really is such a commercialized monster now, there's flashy toys and gifts EVERYWHERE you look. I understand why kids lose their minds this time of year because I come close to it as well. Last year I just turned a deaf ear to it all but this year since am actually shopping it's been harder to drown out the noise. And I want to buy Ben every cool toy I see.

And I can give in and do that, but it all comes down to this: WHAT is the Christmas Legacy I want my son to be left with when he's an adult?

Is it all the pomp and circumstance-as my husband calls it-or is it the truth that God's love for us is so tremendous He chose to come here, to this world in the most vulnerable state possible to do what nothing and no one else could do-bridge the gap and bring us to Him.

Is is about how many fancy toys he can get each year or how many times he can reach out and give love this season-and all year long?

I'm not a perfect parent and am FAR from a perfect Christian but I know what I want more than anything in the world is for my precious child to grow up knowing God, loving God and living each day in the truth that living life for God is what matters most because everything else flows from there.

And so on this last day of November I am grateful for God's tenacity and faithfulness to continually change my heart and open my eyes to the ways and places I can bring Him more into Ben's life and mind, and become closer to them both in the process.

With God's help I did finally narrow the scope and pick out 3 quality gifts plus a stocking stuffer! and I didn't give in to all the temptation floating around me, and my prayer is that I will continue building a legacy of a Christ centered Christmas, as well as a Christ centered life, more and more each year, because I know that is the gift my son most deserves.

"For God SO loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life!" John 3:16

May you all experience His precious gift this Christmas season!

How do I love thee?

....let me count the ways.

Hmmm, sadly if I counted the ways I loved God, or rather showed my love it would most likely be in the single digits.

But one of the things I do love most about God is His tenacity, that tireless effort He puts forth to teach us, show us & mold us. So often I find myself faced with a "theme" during certain seasons of life, something that just keeps popping up over & over and you know it's the big guy saying "Hello! It's time to learn this now..."

A few months back our preacher, Lance, did a sermon on the "overlooked" sins, the sins of our heart rather than the ones of our flesh, and though he didn't mention it, my greatest sin is neglect. Neglect of my relationship with my God & my Jesus. The theme that had been following me lately is why is this so easy and so prevalent?

I think about days that I have plans to meet a friend for lunch, or an appointment with someone. I don't miss those short of sickness or massive injury, regardless of how tired or busy I am, so why is it so easy to blow off prayer, time in the word or just hanging out with my Savior? Why do I look at that as a choice and yet other commitments are set in stone?

The easy answer is "it's Satan!" and while there may be a level of validity in that, the sad thing is he certainly never has to work too hard, I so easily choose to sleep in rather than get up to pray, watch TV instead of reading Bible or any sort of study, or to just do whatever I feel like doing rather than what I need to be doing.

So what's the solution? Well when I figure it out I'll pass it on, but I think ultimately it's just doing it. Making a first step, asking Him for help, for strength, the ability to commit....

Dying for Beauty, Part. 2

I got A LOT of feed back from the original blog post on this topic, but judging from some of the discussions it spurred I feel I need to clear some things up.....



But first, let me ask you a question: Who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world? Now hold that thought.



I did not mean to infer in my previous blog that I think beauty or wanting to feel beautiful is bad or against God's will by any means. I love make-up, pretty clothes, having great hair days and getting my nails done-I am not suggesting women should not take part in any of that! I have no doubt God appreciates beauty-look at this amazing world he created! And I have no doubt God wants us to be confident, secure women-and feeling beautiful is a part of that.



The question is what is the source of your self worth, what makes you feel truly beautiful?



If my mood rises and falls on what the scale says-rather than the presence of the Holy Spirit within me-THAT is a problem.



If my self worth rests on what my complexion looks like-rather than the truth that my saviour chose to die for me-THAT is a problem.



The whole point I was trying to make is that I can spend all the time and money in the world on my appearance but if the most important part of my daily beauty regime is not time with my Heavenly Father, it's all meaningless and fleeting.



I want to be beautiful, but God is teaching me to desire eternal beauty these days- not the worldly beauty I have sought for most of my life.



So now back to my original question? Who is the most beautiful woman in the world and what is the source of her beauty? What is the source of yours? My prayer for you is that it is grounded in one simple statement:



"But God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8



That is perfect love. That is true beauty.

Dying for Beauty

My husband, Steve and I are on vacation in Las Vegas right now. In reality, 98% of the population at large is made up of your average Joes. The ones wearing the "I'm with Stupid" shirts, carrying an extra 5-15lbs, bad hair days, sandals with socks, and the ones that just look like your next door neighbor. But I rarely see them, the ones that always catch my attention are those people. you know, the beautiful ones. Those girls with the perfect skin, brilliantly white teeth, perfectly cut & styled hair and the size 6 body in the most stylish clothes that make them look like they just stepped off the cover of Vogue-or Maxim (I am in Vegas remember!)

Yesterday we went down to the pool and of course I was subjected to looking at many of these beautiful women and you can see by the picture above what I look like these days.

When I was in High School I did not have skin issues. Maybe a pimple or two but for the most part, my complexion was flawless. At 26 the adult acne hit-I just turned 40 in March. I have tried just about everything out there to deal with it. It ebbs and flows but I rarely have times where my face is completely clear. For the past two months or so, I have been in the middle of a horrible outbreak that I cannot put a dent in.

I am vain. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this reflection looking back at me, Some days I just want to scream and cry over the injustice of dealing with a "teenagers" issue at 40. Some days I do scream and cry over it. And I won't even get into my weight issues.

But then there is that voice in my heart. My creator telling me that he only makes art-not junk. The Holy Spirit who asks how dare I curse the temple in which He resides, and my Savior reminding me that my purpose here is to tell the world about Him and my appearance does not change that in any way.

1 Peter 3: 3-4 says "Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair, wearing gold or fine apparel, rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

Puts a whole new spin on it right? So yay I'm free from all the worries about how I look!

If only it were that easy.

Real beauty comes by death. Death to self, death to giving credence the worlds standards of any part of life, death to anything that makes me forget for even a single moment that the only thing that will make me truly beautiful is a heart that is genuinely seeking God's will EVERY moment of EVERY day, and that gentle and quiet spirit that rests in the absolute assurance of HIS beauty, grace and truth.

But death is not easy, and it's never quick. As I ask Him everyday to help me let go of this, that I want so much to be sold out only to Him and His calling on my life He puts me to the test.

Our first day here, I resolved not to even think about my appearance but just enjoy my vacation & this time with my husband. We went to see Phantom that night and this really nice lady was sitting alone next to us. We hit it off as we had lots in common, she was from Arkansas and loved Phantom as much as I do. Then at the end of the show as we were leaving she turns to me and says "my husband and I run a dermatology clinic in Hot Springs, come see us, and we can make your skin beautiful."

Really? I asked God "now what am I to make of that?" His response: It's simple. I have a choice. I can continue to run after every lead for a cure to my acne or I can run after my God and HIS truth. Not easy by any means, but the thing is both roads lead to death. The death of my spirit or the death of my vanity. It's just deciding which death is more worthwhile.

Go to the Woods

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life. To put to route all that was not life; and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived." -Henry David Thoreau

I love that book, I love that quote. It always makes me stop and take a breath and evaluate my life.

Live. Deliberately.

Two little words with SO much passion and power.

I have a friend who is struggling with both of her parents battling cancer right now and neither prognosis is very good. I woke up this morning thinking of her and Thoreau's words came to mind.

Live Deliberately. Suck the marrow out of life.

It's a great idea right, I don't think anyone ever reads these words and thinks "eh, that guy was full of crap..." We all want to get the most out of life but between our jobs, dirty diapers, carpools and everything else life throws at us living deliberately takes a back seat pretty quickly, it seems impossible.

But the bible tells us that Jesus came that we might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10) I think He surely wants us to avoid the idea of coming to die and discovering we had not lived.

My parents moved here in November of 2009 and by July 2010 we had lost my father due to complications with bladder cancer. As I look back time and time again over those last few months and all the moments my family shared, all the precious memories we are left with, I realize I was living deliberately-by God's grace.

See I am pretty self focused most of the time, sucking the marrow usually involves what will make ME happy. But family was very important to my father and he passed that on to me which in turn gave me a desire to include both my and Steve's parents in every second of Ben's life possible. That is a gift from God, one I assumed for so long was just "my family loyalty" but now from this side of things I realize it was an avenue God used to bless me because I was open to it-even though I never realized it was Him. I wonder if I had been spending more time with with my heavenly Father during those days, more in tune to His leading, how much more marrow I might have sucked out of that time with my earthly father.

I know life moves fast and we all have obligations, not to mention things we just want to do. But it really is gone before you know it. So here is my challenge: go to the woods-just once a day. Pick out one moment of everyday; one moment with your kids, your spouse a friend or even that goofy co-worker and just stop to savor that moment. Be thankful for it, really breathe it in and let it become a sweet memory you can carry. It doesn't have to be something extravagant, sometimes the most simple moments are the sweetest. Just live it. Deliberately.

If you want more about getting the most out of life I recommend reading:
The Bible
Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren
One Month to Live by Kerry & Chris Shook

A Day of Darkness

My father passed away last July. We lost him very early on a Saturday morning so I had that whole day to live with the reality that he was gone and my life was changed forever. Yet I remember waking up the next morning dazed and disoriented, the truth hanging so heavy over me yet still feeling that it was just a dream because the idea of my father really being dead was just not something my mind could fully grasp.

Today, I can't help but wonder if that's how the disciples and Jesus other followers felt that Saturday morning after the crucifixion. The Bible doesn't really tell us much about that day but we know they had been scattered the night before so I imagine that they all slowly made their way back together, back to the last place they had been with their friend and teacher, we know Mary Magdalene found them together- "their eyes wet with grief" (Mark 16). And we know that the women were taking care of the practicalities, preparing the spices for his body.

But I wonder most about Peter. He had been told that he would be the rock upon whom Jesus would build His church, yet He was also told he would deny his Saviour three times-and though Peter vehemently denied this was possible he of course did just that-and during the worst moments of Jesus' life to boot. So how must he have been feeling that next day? Crushing grief along with a heart breaking guilt. Do you think he talked about it with the others or merely sat in a corner alone. Feeling unworthy to even be among them at that point?

I know that's how my sin can make me feel. The last few months I have been on a path seeking God in a way I never have before and it has drawn me deeper and deeper with Him. I have experienced some of the most beautiful and fulfilling moments in my entire Christian walk and seen some amazing changes within myself as a result. Yet the past few days have found me very irritable and grumpy, very short on patience which has led me to be snippy with my husband (who is not a Christian) mean to my 2 1/2 year old son, and just simply not someone anyone would want to be around at times.

Isn't that a kind of denial of my Saviour? When I allow my flesh that much control so that I make others miserable and wreck any kind of witness I might be for my husband? So I too am struggling with some guilt today over my behavior. But the beauty of this relationship with my Jesus is that I don't have to. He died to cover my sin once and for all. No sacrifice is ever again needed to cover my iniquities. My responsibility in this is to recognize my sin, own it through confession, and then trust in God's word that His mercies ARE new every morning and today I get another chance to live a life that honors my heavenly Father.

And you can bank on this because the Bible declares it over and over: "He was wounded and bruised for our sins, He was beaten that we night have peace; He was lashed and WE were HEALED!! Isaiah 53: 5

So what about poor Peter all alone there in his pain and failure. Jesus knew how he would feel and the next morning when Mary Magdalene encountered the angel that told her Jesus had risen he said to her "Now go and give this message to the disciples including Peter: Jesus is going ahead to Galilee. You WILL see Him there, just as He told you before He died!" Jesus wanted to be sure Peter knew nothing had changed, that he was still beloved by his friend and saviour and in His ultimate mercy; Jesus made sure Peter was called out by name to prove it to him! (Mark 16:7-8)

So what is it you are wrestling with today, what guilt and sin is dragging you down and convincing you that you are not worthy of our Saviour's love? Friend let me assure that Jesus is asking His followers to proclaim this message to the world : "I have gone ahead to my Father's house but you WILL see me there! Tell everyone, including (insert YOUR name here)!"

His death was for ALL people EVERYWHERE and his blood covers every sin. Come to Him this weekend, let Him assure you that He is Risen, that you are forgiven!

Frozen in Time

This is a common sight around our city-old empty buildings that have been left to rot and ruin. It's so heartbreaking because there are so many fabulous old buildings that bring so much character to this town, if only someone would breathe new life into them...make them useful and productive again. Something that can serve the community once more. But so many of them remain like this. Frozen in time.

But here's the thing. The people here are the same way. I mentioned before this is a town that seems to be drying up and dying because all the young people flee so it's full of citizens of the older generations and they of course tend to be stuck in their ways and see no real need for much change. Again, heartbreaking when they are missing out on so much more life, and here's a perfect example:

The church I attend is a Muskogee institution, it was built in 1903 and I think some of our members helped start this church!(Okay so they were infants and their parents helped start it, but you get the idea some of these people have gone to this church their whole lives-literally.) My Mom always jokes about a member of her Sunday School class who is always fussing about our preacher's "antics." Now we are beyond blessed to have a spirit filled believer leading this church. Lance is younger, so he has a lot of fresh, new ideas that break a lot of the typical molds (we are Baptists, if that tells you anything!) But I never leave a service he leads without feeling inspired and closer to God. He is also very accessible and very transparent in his weakness and shortcomings. In short this man is one of the most genuine men of God I have met in my life.

But back to my Mother's classmate, as funny I have found these comments in the past I find them funny no more because you see, I thought this person was just a bit uncomfortable by some of the things Lance does, but after a conversation they had with my mother last night I see that it's much deeper than that. This person really dislikes his teaching, and wishes he would go elsewhere. Knowing however that he is here to stay-at least for the immediate future-they refuse to seek out another church that might better suit their needs because they have attended this church since they were a baby.

Frozen. In. Time

I grieve for this person because I cannot imagine they are getting fed at all with that attitude so what is becoming of their relationship with God? Is there any growth, any new life? Or is it becoming stagnant? And it makes me grieve for the church because I see the potential it has to impact and change this city-but how can we as a body become all that God has in store for us if many of the congregants are hanging on so tightly to the past and not willing to trust God enough to take a chance and break out of their comfort zones?

Today is Good Friday. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice in the face of great opposition from leaders who were more determined to hang on to the past, the law and their assumptions rather than experience a personal encounter with the God they claimed to serve. Sunday we get to celebrate the Resurrection, the fulfilment of the law which broke all the molds, called people out of their complacency and ushered in new life for us in our relationship with God while on earth and eternal life thereafter.

So I ask you today, are you frozen in time or are you looking for more? If you don't already know him, find a church this Easter, and find Jesus. He alone can breathe new life into you, make you useful and productive. A person with purpose who can serve those around them; and I promise-you won't miss the past one bit.

Muskogee's Untold Story

I live in a small town in OK, 45 min outside of Tulsa. There's no Starbucks, no Target and worst of all no Fudruckers! There's not much to do here. It is certainly not the kind of town I ever imagined myself settling down in. It's a town that is drying up and dying. Filled with wonderful old Victorian houses and beautiful buildings, most of them are boarded up or very neglected-even if they are still occupied. Most of the population is an older generation-the youth leave here in droves in search of more excitement and more opportunity. I can't really put a finger on WHY this little town seems to have no future; lack of pride, finances, or just plain old giving a darn. The people and local government seem to lack these things and so much more.



Still, this is the town where I will raise my son. The place he will grow up, learn about life, love and God and he deserves the best this city has to offer. He deserves to love and appreciate his hometown-not despise it and count the days until he too can run out into the world to find a better life.


And despite the spirit of desolation & apathy that seems to hang over this city and most of it's occupants, there is a strong core of people here who believe that "greater things have yet to come, and greater things are STILL to be done in this city!" We know who is the God of this city and we are completely confidant that HE has big plans for our little corner of the universe, that this is really just the beginning of Muskogee's untold story...



So instead of complaining about what this city lacks, we have decided to start praying for what it needs and looking for the beauty that lies in this city and that my friends is what I plan to share with you from now on! Here are just a few things that caught my eye today:

It's one of those days

When the world is caving in cause people you love are in a bind and you are helpless to do anything for them. I am just so grateful for God at times like this, knowing that He alone is in control of it all, soothes my soul. We were blindsided but He saw it all coming and is holding us in His hands. How will He answer prayers and bring good out of this mess I have no clue but I know without a doubt He will.

"Shout to the Lord, all the earth let us sing. Power and majesty praise to the king. Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of your name. I sing for joy at the work of your hands, forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand. NOTHING compares to the promise I have in you."

Just some thoughts

Haven't blogged in awhile. Too busy surfing the net, playing on Babyfit and getting obsessed with Facebook. That site is all about time suckage, you get drawn in so easily to all the things you can send to your friends and don't even get me started on all the quizzes I waste time on.

It's really disappointing when something doesn't live up to the hype created around it. Recently I have been watching some older, "classic" films that have really blown. Just to name a few, Taxi Driver, Mutiny on the Bounty and today Scarface. Really they were boring and just so over rated.

Ben is 4 months old now and just more and more amazing everyday. He's so funny and smart and just developing new skills everyday. His strongest skill? Keeping mommy wrapped around his little finger.

So Thanksgiving is just a few days away, I'm having two dinners, one with my sister and her family on Wednesday and then with my husband and his parents on Thursday. I can't wait to stuff my face with all the yummy food! But mostly I am thankful for my family, and friends and the chance to spend time with them to celebrate the season!

Seriously?

I went to Target in Tulsa over the weekend because we had some gift cards we needed to use and I was VERY disappointed by their baby section in general but mostly by the lack of BOY clothes. They had like 1 1/2 racks of boy stuff and a flopitygazillion racks of girl clothes. Whats up with that? I mean I know most boys are not as into clothes as girls are but i want my kid to have cute clothes, why do these people think Moms only want to buy cute stuff for girl babies? I am offended on behalf of all the male children everywhere. Steve said "Well women like to dress their little princesses and the ones who didn't have girls don't care enough about their boys to give a hoot.." He's so cynical sometimes, but looking at that selection it kinda made me wonder if he's right!

Ben had his first sleepover with his grandparents Saturday night so Steve and I could have date night. He did great but I missed him so much. Steve and I have our one year wedding anniversary coming up and are planning a weekend getaway so this was a dry run. I am one of those girls that always over packs so he made fun of me for all the stuff I sent to his mom's for "just one night." I kept telling him this time I'm not over packing-it's stuff he really needs. He says he dreads the day he has to pack the car with both our stuff!! HA!

Another day

Ben has become the biggest titty baby the last few days. He wants to be held non-stop and I don't mind it so much except that its hard to listen to him cry when I am doing important things like using the potty.

Speaking of the potty one of my cats has been using Steve's bathmat as their personal latrine and so we just got rid of it and today they peed directly on the tile. I will strangle the litter bugger if I catch them....(not really, don't call the ASPCA on me.)

I am enjoying being a SAHM mom but am starting to think I need a hobby or something, I'm feeling restless. But maybe it's because summer is over and I missed it. Because of the pregnancy and stuff I didn't do anything outdoorsy and don't even have a tan for the first time in like forever so I feel blah. Even though I love fall....

Not much else to report, just enjoying the return of the new TV season.

Milestones and Musings....

So Ben turned 2 months old today!!! Can't believe how the time has flown and how much I adore this child...his smiles take my breath away.

So my musings for today are that I broke my stinking cell phone. I have a REd Treo 680. It's my cool RED phone that I love and I dropped it and cracked the screen so there is no fixing it. ARGH! Luckily since I used to work for AT&T I have another phone in reserve so I don't have to buy a new one.

And whoever decided to put TV shows on the internet for online viewing is a genius! I accidentaly erased last nights episode of Fringe but at least I can still watch it......

Here goes nothing

This is my first blog, or at least my first other than my Myspace page. I have nothing important to say today. I did manage to clean the kitchen-thats a huge deal. The baby is sleeping and I am watching a Law & Order re-run as I wait for Ben to wake up and the season premire of House. And I confess to watching the new 90210...on Tuesdays too. I'm weak, I admit it. I'm starving and looking forward to when Steve gets off work, it's two for one burger night at Sonic so cheesebugers and tots it is!! Well I see my sweet love's eyes opening and I am sure he will be hungry so I must run for now!!!